They Look Like Big Strong Hands

I have been struck by a romantic partner on two different occasions. The first time, I was in college. I was young, fit and was a serious participant in martial arts. I don't even remember what the argument was about any more, but he suddenly strode over and slapped me across the head. I was stunned. And then he did it again. I was in a panic, all I wanted was for him to stop hitting me. So I just reacted. But I did not karate-chop him, I didn't kick him, I didn't flip him or engage in hand-to-hand combat. I grabbed his neck and dug my nails in. For some reason, this brought him to his knees.

My reaction to the whole matter was probably a little strange - I felt humiliated that I hadn't done something spectacular - kicked him in the face, punched him in the gut, flipped him over my shoulder into an arm lock. What I did was "girly."

Let me pause here to say that I have long considered myself to be a feminist, an outspoken advocate for equality for all women. Not only that, but I felt that I was a liberated woman who could protect herself from an attacker, someone who wouldn't take guff from an abusive relationship.

After the fight I called an abuse hotline and they told me we should go to counseling. I relayed this to the boyfriend. "No way," he told me, flatly. So you know what I did? Nothing. Not a thing. He never hit me again and we ended up dating for two two more years.

Fast forward ten years and now I'm married. I got into a crazy argument with my husband. He was acting erratically (we had been drinking) and I thought he was going to hurt one of my pets, so I shoved him. And he shoved me back. So I kicked him. And we ended up in a fight that involved him slapping me across the head twice very similarly to the fight I was in with that boyfriend ten years ago. He ended up with more bruises than me (actually, I didn't have any), but still.

I'm going to pause again and tell you that we're both highly educated, employed professionals. We travel and we give to charity and we try to be good members of society.

So did I divorce my husband? Insist that we go to counseling? No. A few days later, we promised not to hit each other anymore and we went on with our lives. So there it is. I essentially did NOTHING about it. And you know what? If he had really hurt me, I can honestly say that I'm not sure I would leave. Some kind of strong, empowered feminist, right?

The identity crisis I have suffered after getting married has been pretty hard on me and now I guess I don't even qualify as someone who stands up for herself anymore.

"Rockbiter: They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends - the little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat - I couldn't hold on to them. The Nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed.

Atreyu: No, you didn't fail. I'm the one who failed. I was the one who was chosen to stop the Nothing. But I lost the Auryn. I can't find my luck dragon so I won't be able to get past the boundaries of Fantasia.

Rockbiter: Listen, the Nothing will be here any minute. I will just sit here and let it take me away too. They look like good, strong hands, don't they?"

-The Neverending Story (1984)