Know Thyself

Last night I sat talking to one of my friends about a recent fight with my S.O. It was a pretty big fight. We were supposed to be going away for the weekend to spend some time together. We were meeting in a resort town about an hour and a half from where we live, but I was late. Four hours late. Yeah. Pretty bad, right?

I didn't think he'd mind, I figured he'd be off goofing off, not missing me at all. It turns out, he was sitting in the room waiting for me. After trying in vain to reach me on my cellphone he finally got so pissed off he just hopped in his car and drove home. When I arrived he was gone. Then he called me and told me that our relationship was over. I was hysterical. My friend and his wife offered to come get me so I wouldn't have to drive all the way home by myself.

"Make sure you answer your phone," my friend said as they were leaving. "I know you."

But then, my S.O. called back and said he was coming back. For dinner. And to talk. I have never been so relieved in my life.

A few days later my friend decided that the best way to help would be to provide insight into my shortcomings (what are friends for, after all?) I must communicate better. I must keep my cellphone on so I'll know if someone is trying to find me. I must let my S.O. know where I am, even when I'm embarrassed to tell him that I'm late.

After a silence overtook the conversation, my friend asked about his shortcomings.

"You're arrogant," I told him. Of course, he denied it. "You know you are," I told him. "But I think it started out as a persona you adopted because you thought it would get you where you needed to be. These days, you don't think about it much any more."

He looked at me and smiled and, in that moment, I knew that he was relieved. Because it is a relief to be known.

γνῶθι σεαυτόν

A Little Bit of Me

Well, my office is cleaned out and all my things are in boxes in the garage. A friend was updating me on office news, telling me about how a co-worker decided to move into my old office from her much larger office.

"It was pretty funny, watching her try to fit all of her things into Malina's office," he said. Malina's office. It made me feel good that he still ascribed ownership of that office to me, even though I'm gone. It's good to be remembered when you're gone.

I brought the pictures that had hung on my office walls into the house I share with my significant other, and today I walked around looking for places to hang them. They are nice pictures, some of them original art from my native land, and hanging them up brought beauty and color to our house.

It struck me that the things that had hung on the walls in my office were more beautiful, so much nicer than what was otherwise displayed in my house. The atmosphere felt better after I hung them. It's hard to explain, but somehow the house felt cozier, homier, like there was more of me there.

That little bit of me had come home. And that made me wonder if perhaps the act of doing such a thing represented a refocusing of energy, myself. Perhaps I am turned toward this place I live now - my home - instead of toward my work or the outside world. Or maybe that's just ridiculous.

The End of Today

It's raining today. And I feel tired and a bit muted. And pensive. I worked on cleaning out my office last night, and it was difficult for me even though deep down I am happy to be leaving. But I'm also not happy to be leaving. I didn't make the choice to leave; I am being kicked out. But, still, some of my best friends work here and I will desperately miss being able to run into their offices to share the latest funny story, upset or gossip.

I had an incredibly difficult time going home last night. I felt that maybe I should sit a vigil in my office until the first rays of light began to shine through the window. Sit by the side of my dead job to say goodbye one last time.

My significant other can't understand my angst. "It's just a job." I suppose it is, that's true, but for a number of years now it's also been a big part of my identity. So, at the end of today, I am going to walk out of here a new Malina. Maybe the sun will be shining by then.

Leaves and Change

I raked some of the leaves in my yard into a pile this weekend. This is the first time in my life that I've owned leaves to rake. Not many leaf-dropping trees where I grew up. I chose a particularly leafy corner of my yard and started raking. I suppose I could have used the electric blower we bought, but I liked the quiet and the sound of the rake combing the grass. Can't hear anything with a blower going. And there's something soothing about work that is repetitive; makes you feel you've accomplished something and doesn't take any thought.

The buddhists say that you should always "be where you are." I think this means that, if you are raking leaves you shouldn't be thinking about the dishes that need to be washed or the bills that need to be paid or what you're going to eat for lunch. You should just focus on raking leaves.

I don't disagree with that philosophy, but sometimes it's nice to do something simple to keep your body busy and let your mind wander. If someone saw me they would just think, "Look at that woman raking leaves" when I am actually a million miles away.

While I was raking leaves I was thinking about the things that are changing so quickly in my life. I'm having a hard time adjusting. I don't like change, much. I am on a precipice, about to step off into a new job, a marriage, and god only knows what else. At least, I hope god knows, because I sure haven't seen much of what's already happened coming.

To a certain extent, I think we have become a faith-less society. And I don't mean faith in a higher being, I mean faith in the sense of loyalty. Employers see their employees only in terms of dollar signs. The divorce rate is high.

And in the middle of this, I'm asking myself, Are you sure you can be a good wife? A loyal wife? Are you sure you want to be a wife at all? How about a mother? I know what it takes to raise children and I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't just run away. And I've learned that there are a lot of people out there, who I deeply admire, who are just as faith-less as I. I've even been involved in some of that faith-less-ness. And so what does that make me?

I finish raking the leaves and I lie down in the pile. It's soft but crunchy at the same time. And it smells of fresh earth. I look up at the sky, which is a light blue more suited to June than November, and at the spidery tree branches bereft of leaves, and at the clouds rolling by. And I think about the change of the seasons and the renewal of life. I've managed to survive those changes so far.

I guess, in a way, that buddhist philosphy is good advice. Be where you are. Love the one you're with. I only wish I were better at it.

For the One I'm Not Supposed to Love

I look at you and I wonder
who you are
Brown eyes and dark hair

You turn with a smile on your face
and laugh at something I've said
Delighted

You say you know me
and often it's true
Surprising

But it doesn't make things
any clearer for me
Confused

Still I can't forget the day
you turned your face to the sky
And closed your eyes