He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

I enjoyed reading about other people's dating disasters on iVillage here. They were so amusing I decided that I wanted to add my own:

Before I got married I went on a number of internet "blind" dates. I put that in quotes because, of course, we had corresponded through the dating sites to before deciding to meet. I had a lot of terrible dates.

One such date was with a guy who worked for the FDA inspecting meat processing plants. Ok, pretty interesting. He seemed pretty cool so we agreed to meet for dinner at a cool tapas place.

I show up for the reservation and we sit down for dinner and he immediately says, "Listen, I don't mean to rush you, but a lot of my family members are having a get together nearby and we need to leave to meet them in half an hour."

What? Family? Meet? Half an hour? How are we supposed to get through dinner and pay the check in only half an hour?? And who said anything about meeting his family?

So, ok, I'm not really sure what else to do but continue with the date. We order and he tells the waiter we need our starters and appetizers all at the same time, we're in a hurry. Then he starts telling me about his family. It turns out he's one of 15 children or something. He's the youngest and several of his older brothers and sisters had children around the same time he was born. So he has nieces and nephews who are the same age he is. Numerous nieces and nephews. And cousins. His parents are the same age as my grandparents.

Our food arrives and he wolfs it down. I'm still working on my appetizer (why did we even order appetizers if we're in such a hurry??) when he starts asking me if I'm done. The waiter comes by and this guy asks for the check. ("Check please!"). He pays the bill and I give up on finishing my food.

I start to thank him for dinner and he says "No no no! You have to come with me! I told them you're coming, they're expecting you!" Umm, ok... I give in, thinking I'll meet everyone and then escape. As we're walking to the "meeting" place he tells me "Oh, and it's REALLY IMPORTANT that you don't tell them that we met on the internet. They'll mock me forever."

Ok, so how did we meet? I start to open my mouth to ask this question but we've arrived, the door has opened and introductions are being made. It's a small apartment of one of the many relatives I guess, and there are about 25 people in the room.

We've been there maybe 5 minutes when someone asks "So, where did you meet?" I turn to my date. He turns BRIGHT RED. "Ohhhhh, um, we - uh - we met in.... college! Yeah, college."

"Oh, really!" They turn to me. "So, you went to Ohio Wesleyan." WTF? Ohio? I've never even been to Ohio. I turn to look at my date and he has this pleading look on his face. "Yep," I confirm.

"Really!" they say. They clearly know this is a ruse, probably by his behavior. "What made you want to go to Ohio Wesleyan?"

"Oh, it just seemed like a good place to go," I say, shooting daggers at my date with my eyes.

"So, which dorm did you live in?" another one asks. My date gives the name of a dorm. "No kidding! I lived there too! And I was a RA. What year did you graduate? I don't remember seeing you there."

HUH? My date made me lie and he came up with a lie that can be shot down by the people in the room?!?!

"Oh, I wasn't there much," I say. "Too busy off campus." They are clearly enjoying this and continue to grill me. Now I'm having to make stuff up about a state I've never seen and a college I know nothing about. So I give up and start to just make stuff up with whatever pops into my head.

"Yeah, I used to take trapeze lessons in that gym they installed above that old movie theater. You remember, the one on main street that shut down? There was a circus training center there. I managed to get college credit for the circus work I was doing there." They were absolutely enjoying watching him suffer through the entire conversation knowing, I'm sure, that there is no circus training center or shut down movie theater or probably even a Main Street.

In any event, I finally extricated myself from them despite his pleas to the contrary and then didn't answer his calls, despite his attempts to contact me for the next two months. I mean, seriously, WTF????