The End of Today

It's raining today. And I feel tired and a bit muted. And pensive. I worked on cleaning out my office last night, and it was difficult for me even though deep down I am happy to be leaving. But I'm also not happy to be leaving. I didn't make the choice to leave; I am being kicked out. But, still, some of my best friends work here and I will desperately miss being able to run into their offices to share the latest funny story, upset or gossip.

I had an incredibly difficult time going home last night. I felt that maybe I should sit a vigil in my office until the first rays of light began to shine through the window. Sit by the side of my dead job to say goodbye one last time.

My significant other can't understand my angst. "It's just a job." I suppose it is, that's true, but for a number of years now it's also been a big part of my identity. So, at the end of today, I am going to walk out of here a new Malina. Maybe the sun will be shining by then.

Leaves and Change

I raked some of the leaves in my yard into a pile this weekend. This is the first time in my life that I've owned leaves to rake. Not many leaf-dropping trees where I grew up. I chose a particularly leafy corner of my yard and started raking. I suppose I could have used the electric blower we bought, but I liked the quiet and the sound of the rake combing the grass. Can't hear anything with a blower going. And there's something soothing about work that is repetitive; makes you feel you've accomplished something and doesn't take any thought.

The buddhists say that you should always "be where you are." I think this means that, if you are raking leaves you shouldn't be thinking about the dishes that need to be washed or the bills that need to be paid or what you're going to eat for lunch. You should just focus on raking leaves.

I don't disagree with that philosophy, but sometimes it's nice to do something simple to keep your body busy and let your mind wander. If someone saw me they would just think, "Look at that woman raking leaves" when I am actually a million miles away.

While I was raking leaves I was thinking about the things that are changing so quickly in my life. I'm having a hard time adjusting. I don't like change, much. I am on a precipice, about to step off into a new job, a marriage, and god only knows what else. At least, I hope god knows, because I sure haven't seen much of what's already happened coming.

To a certain extent, I think we have become a faith-less society. And I don't mean faith in a higher being, I mean faith in the sense of loyalty. Employers see their employees only in terms of dollar signs. The divorce rate is high.

And in the middle of this, I'm asking myself, Are you sure you can be a good wife? A loyal wife? Are you sure you want to be a wife at all? How about a mother? I know what it takes to raise children and I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't just run away. And I've learned that there are a lot of people out there, who I deeply admire, who are just as faith-less as I. I've even been involved in some of that faith-less-ness. And so what does that make me?

I finish raking the leaves and I lie down in the pile. It's soft but crunchy at the same time. And it smells of fresh earth. I look up at the sky, which is a light blue more suited to June than November, and at the spidery tree branches bereft of leaves, and at the clouds rolling by. And I think about the change of the seasons and the renewal of life. I've managed to survive those changes so far.

I guess, in a way, that buddhist philosphy is good advice. Be where you are. Love the one you're with. I only wish I were better at it.

For the One I'm Not Supposed to Love

I look at you and I wonder
who you are
Brown eyes and dark hair

You turn with a smile on your face
and laugh at something I've said
Delighted

You say you know me
and often it's true
Surprising

But it doesn't make things
any clearer for me
Confused

Still I can't forget the day
you turned your face to the sky
And closed your eyes