Pregnancy in the Workplace

A coworker of mine is pregnant. Unlike many people, she pretty much told everyone in the office as soon as she knew. She is also walking around trying to look more pregnant. She wears tight shirts and then slouches so her belly sticks out and her boobs sag. Is that weird?

The weirdest thing, at least to me, is how pregnancy changes a workplace. I work in a small office and we talk about our personal lives, I suppose, but it's very limited in what you say. "How was your weekend?" or "Any big vacation plans?" are usually the order of the day. Now she talks about having to go to the doctor and how they did an exam "all over" to "make sure the pregnancy is ok" and stuck her with big needles to run all sorts of tests.

Um, too much information, maybe??? The guys in the office usually suddenly find somewhere else to be, but the women are all into talking about the ins-and-outs of pregnancy. The interesting thing is that, only about half the women in the office have even had a baby. I guess the others are just fascinated with the process?

Here's the thing, though: It just seems too personal for the workplace. There are a lot of things that happen in our private lives that are properly screened from the workplace. Illnesses, fights with family, breakups and makeups and sex all over the house or whatever. Those things do not belong in the workplace. A professional environment is necessarily not about the private personal. If someone had explosive diarrhea because they accidentally ate shrimp, I don't want to know about it. So, how is it that pregnancy suddenly makes it ok to talk about pelvic exams around the water cooler???

I suddenly have sympathy for the Victorian view that pregnant women were too delicate to leave the house and went into seclusion...

Whither thou goest...

Ruth 1:16. Ruth was always my favorite book of the Bible. It's a story of love and loyalty. Sticking together in tough times. And the most interesting thing, I always thought, was that it was a story of love and loyalty between two women: a mother and her daughter-in-law.

I'm sure you know the story, but in case you don't, a mother, Naomi, has moved far from her homeland to live with her husband, her two sons and the wives of the two sons. But tragedy strikes and all the men die. Naomi tells her two daughters-in-law that she is going to go home to try to find someone to take care of her in her old age and that the daughters should do the same. It's logical thinking. The two daughters-in-law are presumably young and can find a new husband. It will be more difficult for them to find a husband if they are burdened with an old woman to feed.

One leaves. One doesn't. Ruth draws herself up and begs her mother-in-law to let her stay. Thus is born one of the greatest love stories of all time.

So, what does "wither thou goest, wilt I go" mean? The other night I had a happy hour at work. I went for an hour and then left to go to physical therapy. I got home around 9pm. My husband was nowhere to be found. Then I received an email from my boss's husband: "Meet for dinner at Olive Garden." Heh? I emailed him back asking "When? Now? By the way, is my husband with you? He's missing."

The next morning my boss stopped by my office to tell me that her husband was very upset to receive this email. He felt that he had somehow interfered in our marriage, or waylaid my husband without my knowledge. My boss was telling me that she had tried to explain to her husband how our relationships were different. She had married young and she and her husband always knew where the other was. I got married much older and my husband and I had spent years living on our own without having to account to anyone for our whereabouts.

And that made me stop and think. My husband and I do have a very independent relationship. We have a joint account, but we also keep our own separate, private accounts. I suppose he could be out purchasing the services of hired companions and I wouldn't know about it (at least, not from the credit card statement). Generally, speaking, I don't tend to start wondering where he is until about 10pm on a work night. My job requires a lot of hours and there are also frequently networking events that I attend. I don't want to have to keep my husband abreast of every appointment I have and so we essentially have an understanding that I'll come home as early as I can. If I'm going to be at the office really late, I'll call and let him know.

My boss and her husband go everywhere together. They work blocks away from each other and carpool to work. They accompany each other on business trips (I can't think of a single example of her mentioning that her husband is out of town without her, or vice versa). They frequently meet for lunch. I think she's right about the different life circumstances. When you're a kid, your parents generally want to know where you are. It would make sense that young married adults would treat each other similarly. I think I would scream if I had to account to my husband all the time for my whereabouts. Actually, I don't think I could manage it. It just wouldn't occur to me to call him up and tell him that I'm heading to a meeting after work.

Perhaps their way is better? Maybe my husband and I should keep each other on shorter leashes? They have been married for a long, long time. I've only been married for a little over a year. What do I know? Perhaps I will change my ways if and when we have children. I can imagine being peeved at being left home alone to care for a kid not knowing where my husband was. If he's out gallavanting, I'd probably want to be gallavanting too. So maybe this is all a moot point. Or maybe we're heading toward a divorce. I guess time will tell.

Does Absence Create a Fonder Heart?

I am tired. Beat. Had enough. I'm having trouble dealing with the normal ups and downs of my daily life and I need a break. Here's the thing: I want to vacation by myself. Ah, but now I have a doting husband to consider. So, here's the question: should married couples take separate vacations?

I did a google search on this question and came up with a mixed bag of answers. The most common response was that "girls' weekends" or "guys' fishing trips" are completely ok, provided that each spouse is on board with the idea and feels comfortable with it. There was a lot of discussion about how separate vacations should not include solo travel by one marital partner due to the created opportunity for extra-marital liaisons.

When my now-husband and I went to pre-marital counseling, the counselor told us that separate vacations were a no-no. He said that we should plan our vacations together, taking into account the other's desires, and plan a vacation that will meet at least some of each of our criteria.

I'm not saying that I have a problem with that, it's just that I am so tired right now that I don't want to talk to anyone. My husband included. And I especially don't want the stress of traveling with him (despite his pronouncements to the contrary, he is a terrible traveler).

There are these cabins I used to camp at in the Catskill mountains before I was married. They don't have running water or electricity, but they do have a gas-powered stove and refrigerator, and some gas lamps for night. There's also a woodburning stove for heat and a fireplace to relax in front of. They are located in part of the Catskill mountain nature preserve and sit right on 1500 acres of excellent hiking land. I LOVE those cabins. My husband does not. He is scared of bears (??). He is offended by the outhouse. He hates carrying buckets of water.

I am wishing desperately to go stay in one of the cabins. Just me and mi'dog. We'd hike. I'd read. And embroider. And cook. I'd wake up when I want and nap when I want and haul my own water and chop my own wood. I'd build my own fire without my husband telling me I'm doing it wrong (Is the wood burning? Yes? Well, that's all that counts...). And the best part: I wouldn't talk to ANYONE. Except maybe the dog. And he won't talk back. He'll just thump his tail on the floor. Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't see that infidelity is an issue in this circumstance (um, there's no one really nearby?). And I don't particularly see how to compromise this one out. Unless maybe my husband stays in the next cabin over, a mile or so away. And doesn't visit. That might be ok. But I don't really think it counts as taking a vacation "together," lol. And he'd probably land up in my cabin in any event yelling about bears.

We have idly discussed taking a vacation to a warmer location where he can fish and I can sit by the pool and embroider. I suppose that's an option. But I'll still end up talking in the evenings at dinner and at breakfast. Ok, I guess if he gets up at 5am, or whatever ridiculous hours fisherman get up in the morning, I won't see him. Talking at dinner then. And to whatever random people I need to talk to throughout the day. Sigh. I need to get out of here. Alone.