Why oh Why Did I Get Married?

Ok, so I've been working on this for a year now and here's what I've learned: I really hate being married. I don't think it's as much my husband as it is the institution. Well, maybe it's my husband too, to the extent that he's focused on the institution. I just hate all the emotional baggage and hidden expectations that go along with marriage, and by that I mean the expectations that each person has about what it means to be married.

Third parties also have expectations, interestingly. For example, we are apparently supposed to know where the other is at all times. If someone asks me where he is and I respond that I don't know, they look at me like I've suddenly sprouted a second head from my neck that is singing in Swahili. So, I've started making up answers (Oh, he's at a meeting, a golf tournament, home washing his hair...). I suppose he could be off shagging some other girl, but for some reason I'm not particularly worried about that. It's not for me to play his mommy and keep tabs on him, so long as he comes home at night.

The tougher expectations have been the intra-marriage ones - the things we expect from each other. I expect my husband to look around the house and, if something needs doing, to do it. That expectation hasn't really changed from when we were living together. If the trash needs to be taken out, take it out. If something needs to be put away, put it away! If we both do this, the house will be tidy. I can't do it all myself. Also, although I don't keep tabs on him, I do start to worry if he's not home by 10-11pm, so I'd like a courtesy call around that time to tell me where he is. That's about it.

His expectations have been less well defined. I'm not sure I even know what they all are, but I do know that his help with the laundry and the dishes have fallen off to the lowest levels in our four years of living together. I don't know if that's an expectation or not, but it definitely seems to be related to our getting married. He also has apparently designated himself CFO of our household. I have some investments that were given to me by my grandparents when I was young (and they were still alive) and I decided I wanted to sell them. He told me no.

Seriously, just "No." Um, sorry, but they're mine? You don't get to tell me "no" about anything, much less things that are my personal property. Then he started talking about capital gains and cost purchase basis and taxes and planning offsets and who knows. My position: my grandparents gave it to me and I should be able to sell it if I want. End of story. He would never think about it twice if we weren't married.

The other thing I dislike about being married are the titles. He really makes a point out of presenting me to everyone as his "Wife." Sometimes he forgets to tell them my name. Once, after a long silence, someone responded, "Well, nice to meet you, Wife." I hate feeling like I've been reduced to a label. Especially since I am much, much more than just a wife. But just using my name is enough for me - Malina. Ask me about my name sometime. It has a special history and I love telling people about it.

So, about now, you're going to say something like, "Have you talked to your husband about all this?" And I'll tell you no. Why? Because whenever I try to imagine that conversation ("Honey, I hate being married, but I think it's the institution, not you") it just doesn't end well. If it has not been made clear, sure, my husband makes me nuts sometimes, he does goofy or stupid things, he screws up. So do I. I forgive him for all that and I don't want to break up with him. I just don't want to be married.

Perhaps you're thinking what a terrible person I am, or you're shaking your head thinking that I'm the next divorce. Maybe both of those are true. But here's the thing: I don't think we'd be having these problems if we hadn't gotten married. And I was the idiot who WANTED to get married. He was perfectly happy before but I thought I was missing out on some amazing experience. My happily married friend keeps telling me that I'm trying to be too independent, that we need to combine our lives more and always think about the other person (so, I should have been thinking of him when I wanted to sell my property, instead of myself). But the truth is that I feel trapped and stifled in a relationship that didn't make me feel that way before.

Of course, I still get the "How's married life?" questions from people I don't know that well. And I tell them (with a great big smile on my face): "GREAT!"